Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Press for The Balding Handbook

Over the past few days information about "The Balding Handbook" has been on radio stations around the country (mostly thanks to this "obituary" that ran in the Seattle Times)

It's also starting to find it's way into newspapers.

If you've ordered the book, it's in the mail as you read this. You should be getting your copy any day now.

If you haven't ordered the book...get with the program! It's available right here at the Eckhartz Press store, and has been submitted as an e-book to amazon, Barnes & Noble, Apple, and Sony.

As soon as they give us the thumbs up, we'll let you know where to get your copy!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Cyber Monday

According to USA Today, this is going to be the biggest Cyber Monday in history. For those of you cyber-ing today, don't forget the wonderful offerings at Eckhartz Press. All of them are perfect stocking stuffers...

"The Balding Handbook"
By David Stern

"Finally a book for America's most overlooked minority! We are balding, hear us roar, in numbers too big to ignore."
---Radio legend John Records Landecker

"The Living Wills"
By Brendan Sullivan & Rick Kaempfer

Rollicking and real on so many levels, "The Living Wills" is a captivating collaboration by two immensely talented writers.
---Rick Kogan, Chicago Tribune

By Randy Richardson

Every once in a while, a sleeper of a novel comes around that you really HAVE to read. For me, it's CHEESELAND... It's elegant, well-written, and the characters are wonderfully wrought. I highly recommend it.
---Libby Fischer Hellmann, author of A Bitter Veil, Set the Night on Fire, and the Ellie Foreman and Georgia Davis Mystery Series

"Down at the Golden Coin"
By Kim Strickland

“Down at the Golden Coin” couldn’t be more timely or original, with the most eccentric spiritual guide since Clarence the Angel. Prepare to set your brain to “spin cycle.”
–--Paige Wiser
"Windy City Live", ABC-7 Chicago

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Countdown to The Balding Handbook

Eckhartz Press is currently taking pre-orders for our next book, "The Balding Handbook" by David Stern. (And by the way, the orders have been coming in fast and furious). They are being printed as you read this, and they'll be out in the mail the week of November 19th.

In the meantime, we'll bring you highlights, blurbs, and reasons to buy it.

In Stage Five Acceptance, Stern describes the many advantages of being bald.

The following is an excerpt from Chapter 19

The first thing you’ll notice when you finally come to grips with who you are is that you suddenly have more time and money than you ever imagined. Did you realize that you are actually a wealthy person who has been hiding inside a not-so-wealthy person’s body? Did you realize that you were the kind of husband/father/boyfriend/friend that could always be there for your loved ones?

Oh, my bald brothers, let me count the ways.

Time is on your side—Morning

How would you like to sleep an extra twenty minutes, thirty minutes, sixty minutes or more? Done. You have all the time in the world in the morning because you no longer have to waste your time doing things like…

• shampooing
• drying your hair
• swirling your hair into a combover
• checking the weather channel for wind patterns
• spraying hair spray to hold remaining strands in place
• applying gel or mousse
• looking in the mirror at your bald spot growing
• applying Rogaine
• picking the dead skin around your plugs
• making up fake illnesses so you can stay home
• combing your piece
• trimming your piece
• fluffing your piece
• kissing your piece

By eliminating these items from your morning prep-time, you are on your way to giving the world a gigantic boost in the arm.

Time is on your Side—Daytime

With up to an extra hour of sleep, you’ll find that you’ll tap into energy that you never realized you had. This will make you get your work done faster, more efficiently, and will turn the head of your boss. That means you’ll get promoted, and everybody knows what happens when you get promoted: It’s slack-off time, baby! Now you can make everyone else do all the work. That leaves you with up to six extra hours of time per day.

Throw in the extra time you’ll save by no longer doing the following…

• shopping for hats
• trying on hats
• washing and maintaining your hats
• reading hat catalogs
• ordering hats from catalogs
• awkward chit chat with hair stylists
• writing angry letters to makers of sham bald products
• conferring with your lawyer about restraining orders you’ve received from sham bald product manufacturers
• writing letters to attorneys of sham bald products
• testifying at Grand Jury hearings against sham bald products
• putting sugar in your bald-joke-loving brother-in-law’s gas tank
• putting lice in Warren Beatty’s hat
• hunting animals for their hair

With all of these activities off your schedule forever, you suddenly have more time than you ever realized. Look out world, here come the answers to your problems.

Time is on your side--Evenings

With your new-found confidence and stamina, the little woman in your life is going to find out just exactly how virile a bald man can be—and she probably won’t be able to keep that silly smile off her face. Trying to keep up with you, she will be forced to get into shape. That means she won’t be home much. She’ll be at the gym working out for that night’s session. That means you’ll have all sorts of extra time that you used to spend…

• refilling the dish washer to her ridiculous specifications
• digging through the garbage for things that should have been recycled
• talking to her
• listening to her
• begging her for a little…ahem…love

If you’re a father, this extra time will allow you to spend more time with your kids, which will help you form a healthier bond with the next generation of bald dynamos. When your wife sees how much you are helping the kids, she will get even more excited by you.

That’s the good news. The bad news is that you won’t have too much free time after she gets home from the gym…because she won’t let you leave that bedroom until she passes out with fatigue.

And you were upset about going bald?

Pre-order your copy of The Balding Handbook today!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Countdown to The Balding Handbook

Eckhartz Press is currently taking pre-orders for our next book, "The Balding Handbook" by David Stern. (And by the way, the orders have been coming in fast and furious). We'll be getting them from the printer on November 16th, and they'll be out in the mail the week of November 19th.

In the meantime, we'll bring you highlights, blurbs, and reasons to buy it.

In Stage Four Depression, Stern shares some soothing words of comfort from some of the greatest poets of all-time. Turns out that many of them were also balding, including the immortal e.e. cummings.

This is an excerpt from Chapter 17...

E.E. Cummings (1894-1962)

Famous balding poet E.E. Cummings was one of the most popular American poets of the 20th century. He was known for his bold approach; shunning rules and conventions. Cummings wasn’t bothered with rhymes, punctuation, syntax, or baldness. He was a poetic rebel and an intellectual giant.

My baldology colleague Michael Medina has been a Cummings-head for many years, and claims to have uncovered this previously unpublished Cummings poem. Yes, it was hand written, and yes, a few handwriting experts have confirmed that the handwriting was an exact match with Medina’s own handwriting, but whether or not this is the really work of Cummings himself or just a Cummings-head, it’s truly comforting. It’s entitled “Follicles”…

follicles needy, my petulant child, gimme gimme gimme,
gimme nutritents, gimme soap, gimme nutrients, gimme soap, gimme life then give me freedom
take your freedom, take it down the drain, tangle yourself there
a plumber charges seventy five dollars an hour, liquid plumber is cheap,
and I pour it on you, eating you up, sending you down in the sewer,
now you tangle on rats as you swim to the sea and you tangle on dung and you reek,
you have freedom, enjoy your new life, my bald head doesn’t miss you, my petulant child,
no more gimme, no more gimme, no more gimme.
I breathe now.
You rot in the sewer.

Pre-order your copy of "The Balding Handbook" today!

Meet Randy Richardson

It's local author night at the Book Cellar in Chicago (right next door to the Brauhaus in Lincoln Square), and one of the featured authors this month is Eckhartz Press' very own Randy Richardson ("Cheeseland").

The other authors scheduled to be there include Bree Housley (We Hope You Like This Song: An Overly Honest Story about Friendship, Death, and Mix Tapes), and Samantha Hoffman (What More Could You Wish For).

Come on out and support your local Chicago authors!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Countdown to The Balding Handbook

Eckhartz Press is currently taking pre-orders for our next book, "The Balding Handbook" by David Stern. (And by the way, the orders have been coming in fast and furious). We'll be getting them from the printer on November 16th, and they'll be out in the mail the week of November 19th.

In the meantime, we'll bring you highlights, blurbs, and reasons to buy it.

In Stage Three Bargaining, Stern helps the balding man prepare his inevitable offer to God. (If you give me my hair back, I'll...). There are gift suggestions that you'll simply not find anywhere else. There's even some sales training to help you if you somehow get direct access to the client.

For instance, the following is an excerpt from Chapter 13...

What If He Answers Me?

Good news, bad news. The good news is that He does grant face-to-face sales appointments on occasion. The bad news is that you’ve probably just been involved in some sort of fiery car crash.

This is the ultimate go-time. Have your closing argument on the tip of your (potentially severed and bleeding) tongue. It’s your only chance. Here are a few tried and true sales approaches that might work for you.

The Porcupine Close is a technique that uses leading questions to get desired results. For instance, if the Lord asks: “Have you accepted me as your personal savior?” You can respond with something like “Would you like my bushy new full head of hair and me to accept you as my personal savior?”

Mirroring could work too. That’s a technique that counts on mirroring speech and mannerisms of your potential client in an effort to build a rapport. It’s going to be tough to prepare because He hasn’t really spoken to anyone we know of for a while, but last we heard, He was doing the whole burning bush thing. A few prepared quips like “And I thought Boca was hot, you know what I’m saying?” could work wonders.

Bringing Up the Competition is another possibility. We live in competitive times, and the Almighty may not be immune to market forces himself. If it starts sounding like your request is about to be denied and all hope is lost, you may want to bring up the competition. For instance…

God: I appreciate your time on Earth and all, but we’re really looking at going in a different direction.

You: Satan said you’d say that.

God: You’ve called on Satan?

You: Oh yeah. He said that hair re-growth was definitely an option, and that I should go with him, because you couldn’t do it.

God: He said I couldn’t do it?

You: He also thinks you can’t restart my heart and make me avoid that fiery car crash.

God: Satan is a hack. Watch this.

The Balding Handbook is available for pre-order now!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Countdown to "The Balding Handbook"

Eckhartz Press is currently taking pre-orders for our next book, "The Balding Handbook" by David Stern. (And by the way, the orders have been coming in fast and furious). We'll be getting them in on November 16th, and they'll be out in the mail shortly thereafter.

In the meantime, we'll bring you highlights, blurbs, and reasons to buy it.

The balding reader will probably most enjoy the second stage of grieving: Anger and Rage. In that section Stern provides healthy, fun and cathartic exercises for the angry balding man, while still helping him stay out of jail.

For instance, who or what is it OK to hate? The following is an excerpt from Chapter 8...
Hating the Generic

During Stage Two Anger and Rage, you might want to avoid hating specific people entirely. There are plenty of generic classifications of Fullheads that are easy to hate instead.

For instance; Anchormen. As a group, it’s hard to top anchormen. Television news directors obviously scour the country looking for genetic freaks that still have fabulous heads of hair well into distinguished old age. The list is endless. On a national level, over the years we’ve been treated to Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, Brian Williams, Peter Jennings, Scott Pelley, Brit Hume, Wolf Blitzer, Sean Hannity, Chris Matthews, Geraldo Rivera, etc. Local television news anchors are also hair freaks. Just hate them all, and you can’t go wrong.

Movie casting directors are another safe target. Why? Because the evil villains in movies are disproportionately bald. The James Bond series was particularly inflammatory in its portrayal of bald men. No less than three of its evil villains were bald. “Austin Powers” went so far as to call its bald villain, “Dr. Evil.” This is not a new trend. Since the beginning of the movie era, the bald character was more likely to be the murderer, the psychopath, and/or the bad guy. Was it really necessary to cast a balding man as Mr. Potter in "It's a Wonderful Life"? Surely Bela Lugosi was available.

The Broadway musical “Hair” is another great thing to hate, for obvious reasons, but instead of hating the specific people that perform in it, or the jerk who wrote it, if you hate it generically, you can’t get into trouble. It still plays all over the country, so there will be lots of opportunities to have it boil your blood. Just leave Treat Williams (one of the original stars) alone. He has suffered enough in his career. If you reserved a weekend to watch all of Treat’s award winning acting performances, you would still have time left over to clean the garage, run a marathon, cure cancer, write a novel, translate War & Peace into Gaelic, do a 34,000 piece jigsaw puzzle and balance the United States budget.

It’s also OK to hate children. Instead of lashing out at specific kids like the one in the elevator that says to her mommy “What happened to that man’s hair?”, if you hate all children equally you won’t feel the need to lash out specifically. Your own children may have a few rough years, but remember that Anger and rage won’t last forever, and think how much emotionally tougher they’ll be if they have to work a little harder to receive Daddy’s love.

High school reunions are another easy target of generic hate. There are really only two things that former classmates discuss at those horrible events; the girls that got fat, and the guys that went bald. Just so you know, the girls that got fat usually don’t attend. That leaves one target, and you look at him every day in the mirror. For the love of God, don’t ever attend one (unless your school mascot was the “Skin Heads” or "The Fighting Emus"--then school spirit may compel you), but feel free to generically hate them anyway.

And by all means, hate the hair care industry. These faceless generic people think nothing of charging $20 for a thirty-second haircut. They intentionally sell some of the ridiculous hair care remedies we mentioned in Stage One. But worst of all, they treat us as if they haven’t even noticed we aren’t Fullheads. Ordering workers to make small talk about mundane matters while pretending to cut non-existent hair is contemptible, and certainly worthy of your generic Stage Two hate.

The Balding Handbook is available for pre-order now!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Some Love from Shore Magazine

An excerpt from Pat Colander's Everyday Living blog at Shore Magazine...

Catching up with Shore Columnist, Renaissance Man and World's Best Dad Rick Kaempfer: I'm beginning to lose track but I believe when the The Balding Handbook starts shipping next week (November 16th) it will be the fourth book for his Eckhartz Press, which Rick launched about a year ago. The first was a novel Rick wrote with Brendan Sullivan called “The Living Wills,” a comic morality tale about a bowling team I thoroughly enjoyed. (Can't wait for the movie!) This season, The Balding Handbook by David Stern is going to be a hit for creative gift-givers who are victims—or members of the family of victims---of involuntary hair loss. Stern describes the five-stage grieving process including denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. On the cover, the author is shown working through Stage 4. At the end of the process, Rick says, the fully actualized bald man can emerge whole into the light. “Of course, you'll need sunscreen when you get there, but the few extra bucks you shell out to the Tropicana people is a trifle when you consider the incredible life that awaits you after reading this book. Whether you're a fellow sufferer or just a mean person that wants to give this book as a gag gift to that baldy you know (Tee hee, Get it? You're bald.) The Balding Handbook is for you.”

Next up for Eckhartz? The long-awaited story of John Records Landecker, Records Truly is My Middle Name will be published as part of John's 66th birthday celebration in March. With Rick's help---not to mention his other famous friends and colleagues including Bob Sirott, Jonathon Brandmeier, John Gehron, Joey Reynolds, Jan Jeffries, Catherine Johns, Eric Ferguson, Bill Zehme, Kevin Matthews and Don Wade---John has managed to tap into his inner playlist and remember an astonishing amount of what actually happened during the past 40 years. You heard that number correctly Boogie Checkers. John Landecker first conquered nighttime radio in Chicago, oh, I don't know, probably some time in the 1970s or 80s. I mean who cares, right? But Landecker is still going strong in the same time slot from 630 – 11 pm weekdays on Cumulus Media classic hits WLS-FM (94.7) Keep your eye on this blog for more information on this upcoming bestseller. Who knows you could be in it?

Monday, November 5, 2012

John Records Landecker

The mystery radio memoir we've been teasing on our website has been revealed by Robert Feder at TimeOut Chicago. Here is what he wrote...

Next March 28th will be a red-letter day for fans of John Records Landecker. It will mark not only the Chicago radio legend’s 66th birthday but the publication of his new memoir, Records Truly Is My Middle Name. Written by Landecker with longtime producer Rick Kaempfer, it’ll be published by Kaempfer’s Eckhartz Press. “I worked with the guy every single day for 10 years, and never heard some of these stories he tells in this book,” Kaempfer says. Among colleagues and pals who contributed additional stories about the great man are Bob Sirott, Jonathon Brandmeier, John Gehron, Joey Reynolds, Jan Jeffries, Catherine Johns, Eric Ferguson, Bill Zehme, Kevin Matthews and Don Wade. Forty years after he first conquered nighttime radio in Chicago, Landecker is still going strong — from 6:30 to 11pm weekdays on Cumulus Media classic hits WLS-FM (94.7).

We'll have more details in this space in the weeks and months to come.

Countdown to The Balding Handbook

We're currently taking pre-orders for our next book, "The Balding Handbook" by David Stern. It ships on November 16th.

In the meantime, we'll bring you highlights, blurbs, and reasons to buy it.

In the first stage of grieving (Denial), a balding man will go to miraculous lengths to restore his hair. In Chapter 3, David debunks each and every one of them.

However, Stern also notes the 5 methods that have proven to work...

#1: Get bitten by a werewolf.
#2: Wear the enchanted skin of a dead wolf or werewolf.
#3: Drink water from a wolf's footprint.
#4: Eat a wolf's brain (a little cayenne pepper really brings out the flavor).
#5: Have sex with a werewolf and survive.

The Balding Handbook is available for pre-order today!

Friday, November 2, 2012

Countdown to "The Balding Handbook"

We're currently taking pre-orders for our next book, "The Balding Handbook" by David Stern. It ships on November 16th.

In the meantime, we'll bring you highlights, blurbs, and reasons to buy it. Reason #1: Consider this official endorsement from Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Radio personality John Records Landecker. Here's what he has to say about it...

"Finally a book for America's most overlooked minority! We are balding hear us roar, in numbers too big to ignore."

Would John Records Landecker steer you wrong? No, he wouldn't.

Pre-order your copy today!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Eckhartz Press Presents: "The Balding Handbook"

Eckhartz Press is thrilled to announce the release of our latest book, "The Balding Handbook" by David Stern. We're currently taking pre-orders. The book ships on November 16th.

What is "The Balding Handbook" all about?

It's modeled after the stages of mourning devised by Elisabeth Kubler Ross in her book "On Death and Dying". "The Balding Handbook" takes the balding man through the five stages of mourning for his hair loss; Denial & Isolation, Anger & Rage, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

David Frank Stern has penned this self-help masterpiece drawing from his many years of anguish and pain.

Stage One, Denial and Isolation- Stern delicately discusses subjects like the Bald Man's Crack (the baseball hat). He takes on the much harder and dangerous head gear such as: fedoras, Indian headresses and over sized sombreros. He also tackles combovers, plugs, wigs and more. That first stage is a painful one.

Stage Two, Anger and Rage - Easily, the most enjoyable stage of the grieving process, Anger and Rage provides a much needed outlet for the balding man. From defacing relative's graves to snapping the heads off GI Joe and Ken dolls, Stern provides healthy, fun and cathartic exercises to hasten the voyage through Stage Two.

Stage Three, Bargaining - Looking to the heavens, desperate bald men turn to a higher power in Stage Three, begging God to give them their hair back. Stern takes his suffering brothers through the entire sales process. From opening ice breakers, to fool proof closing techniques, Stern makes selling the Ultimate Decision Maker easy. The bad news is that if you get an appointment with Him, you're probably dead.

Stage Four, Depression - Stage Four announces it's arrival with the onset of hopelessness. Balding men mired in this stage realize that the loss will be permanent. Seeking other afflicted bald men is the key to a healthy recovery, and Stern will tell you where to find them. He also has uncovered some truly therapeutic and soothing words from the greatest poets of all time.

Stage Five, Acceptance - The painful journey will end here with self actualization. Stern outlines his vision for the eventual utopia that awaits when bald men of the world unite.

"The Balding Handbook" is more than a book. It's going to change the world, $15.95 at a time. Pre-order your copy today.